Dear Aunty Em,

Living out of a bag is hard. I feel like either I have too many clothes and my bag is really heavy or I don’t have enough clothes and I have to do laundry all the time. What should I do?

Love, Anguished About Apparel

Dear Anguished,

You’re right, living out of a bag IS hard. Here’s the key – always pack at least 21 pairs of underwear. Everything else can be worn many times without washing so you only need a couple of shirts, a pair of shorts and maybe a pair of trousers. Taking into account days spent in swimwear and ‘easy-breezing’ you shouldn’t have to do laundry more than 4 times a year. But you shouldn’t wear the same pair of underwear for more than 5 days. NEVER break the 5 day rule. Unless you’re in a cool climate.

Love, Aunty Em

Dear Aunty Em,

Showering feels hopeless when the exertion required to apply deodorant post-shower generates enough sweat to negate the application. What’s the point? I’ve been swimming a lot, does that count as bathing?

Love, Despondent Doggy-Paddler

Dear Despondent,

It depends whether you’re swimming in fresh water or salt water… Kidding! It doesn’t matter at all! If you’re getting wet then it totally counts as bathing. Just give your pits and bits a wee scrub while you’re submerged. Unless you’re swimming in like, the Ganges, in which case you will need to be quarantined. For life.

Love, Aunty Em

Dear Aunty Em,

I haven’t pooped solid for over a week. Is there something wrong with me?

Love, Poopy Pants

Dear Poopy,

You’re almost certainly possibly 100% FINE. My internet degree in Medicine guarantees it! Liquid poop just helps you appreciate the solid when it happens. In the meantime avoid lengthy hikes, long-distance buses and first dates. 

Love, Aunty Em

Dear Aunty Em,

I bought all the ingredients for a delicious meal but I forgot the onion! I REALLY need an onion for my recipe but I’m too lazy to go back out to get one. There’s an onion on the counter in the hostel kitchen… Is it okay to use it?

Love, Hungry Hamburglar

Dear Hamburglar,

Most backpackers are very generous about sharing food if you ask nicely. However, it is NEVER okay to steal another traveler’s food, ever, even if you are literally (not figuratively) dying of hunger. No, not even a pinch of salt or a dash of oil. Even thinking about taking someone else’s food will guarantee you a place in hell FOREVER. If you are too stupid or lazy to have your own onion then you deserve a flavourless meal. The only thing worse than stealing an onion is stealing a mango. Mango thieves are the lowest of the low. Enjoy your meal in Hades, jerk.

Love, Aunty Em

Dear Aunty Em,

I met a guy that I don’t find completely repulsive at the hostel bar and I want him to put his thing in my thing, but we’re both staying in dorm rooms! What should we do?!?

Love, Sex-Starved Siren

Dear Sex-Starved,

I’m so glad you asked! There is nothing grosser than listening to someone have actual sex in the dorm bed above you, except for listening to the wet lip noises of people just making out in the dorm bed above you. So if you can’t afford a private room for the night, get creative! Does your hostel have a laundry room? Shower stalls? A dark corner in a courtyard garden? What about under the reception desk or dining room table? A rooftop? Behind a vending machine? A pillow fort in the TV room? A storage closet? A walk in refrigerator? The possibilities are endless! But don’t forget – Sex is cleaner with a packaged wiener – imagine making a travel insurance claim for gonorrhea! Awkward!

Love, Aunty Em